April 24, 2008

Need a vacation?

Try Iraq!

Right now there is this huge debate over how to stimulate the economy of this beleaguered country we U.S. soldiers affectionately refer to as Iraq . One of the best solutions to date is a plan to revitalize the dormant tourism industry of this nation full of historical wonders! Now a lot of you westerners (aka infidels) are going to stick out over here, so here are some things you're going to want to do to keep from alarming the locals. Now remember, this list isn't complete. You'll need to check with your local travel agency to get the complete list of do's and don'ts. Here you go:

Dispense with any concept of time
Begin every sentence with Mr.! Mr.!
End every sentence with Mr.! Mr.!
Break your female of the habit of looking at other men for any reason

Drive a shabby Opel

purchase a seedy looking donkey

wear a dress

grow a scraggly beard

Wear outlandishly huge sunglasses that went out of style 20 years ago in the real world

collect strange illnesses eradicated in normal countries decades ago

marry a 12 year old girl of direct relation

tote around an abused and horribly modified Kalashnikov (AK-47)
Shoot up your neighbor’s house because chickens are on your lawn
If that fails to get those pesky chickens out of your yard Turn in your neighbor to the coalition forces, claiming he's a terrorist
if that fails
Turn in your neighbor in to your local terrorist cell claiming he works with the coalition
Take your dead neighbors chickens for your own, because hey! Allah wills it!

Wipe your ass with your left hand, then poke fun at those barbaric infidels

constantly ask U.S. medics to look at "something strange" growing on your body
Squat when you pee

Marry another 12 year old girl (hey times are hard)

Have five more children even though you couldn't feed the first six

Claim you have eleven children because you "love life"

Encourage your children to ask for chocolate even when it's 130 fucking degrees out

Demand compensation from the coalition when criminals shoot up your gas cans
Demand the coalition do something about all of the pesky kidnappings
Demand the kidnappers do something about your pesky, gas peddling competition
Demand your pesky gas peddling competition have dinner at your house to celebrate your children’s recent marriage
Marvel at the cunning way you manage to dupe everyone with your stunning 6th grade level education

Eat bread baked over shit

Deny being guilty of whatever you've just done even after you're shown the tape of you doing it. Claim it's the trickery of the Occupier.
If captured by the pesky Occupier, lament on how you were sleeping in the middle of the night when the Marines (Army/IA/IP/whoever) kicked in the door and raided your house for no reason
Remember to claim that despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary; UBL, AMZ, MAS etc are Zionist American propaganda and don't really exist, and that the Jews and CIA commited the acts on 9/11/01

Don't make any sense what so ever, ever

Never pick up any trash, anywhere, ever

Build your new house over trash, rather than picking up the trash

Claim that the Coalition should do something about all of the pesky trash lying around

Constantly respond to questions with an answer from a subject that is totally unrelated to whatever you were asked

Insist that the IA (Iraqi Army) are a superior fighting force and capable of expelling the occupiers if they must

Own a rickety wooden kiosk out of which you sell water provided to you by the coalition, a malnourished goat that your kids stole from your cousin, some bread, and a tire

Insist that your nation is the cradle of civilization and should be respected as such

Secretly pedal your cradle of civilizations priceless archaeology out the back of your kiosk

Believe everything your Imam tells you

When asked to be somewhere at a certain time, reply "If God wills it"
Insist on your warped, non-sensical view of history, and become highly insulted if anyone disagrees with you

refuse to accept responsibility for anything that happens around you

blame everything on God

When given something by the Occupiers, demand more of whatever it was regardless of whether or not your demands make any sense whatsoever

Bemoan the cruelty of your occupiers

Retreat to your mud hut, beat your wife, "love" your donkey, and call it a day
By the way, don't be offended if you make a couple of mistakes at first and get called out as an infidel, usurper or occupier. These are terms of endearment used by the locals to let us know that we have committed a social faux-pas! Thank them for their kind observation of your inability to blend in, take the lesson to heart, and go right back at it. They may have a little fun at your expense, (i.e. they may hit you with a Mahdi militia beat stick, execute your first born with a power drill, or rape your significant other while you watch ) but just remember that they have their own, unique culture over here, it's all in the spirit of international love, and really... I mean it is your fault anyway for not being like them!
Let's help Iraq achieve the place in the world it truly deserves! If you're interested in experiencing this colorful and truly Arab culture that has been so mistreated by those devilish marauding infidels, then please visit:
And sign up for your tour today!
You'll be glad your God-damned bleeding heart did!

Posted by: Misha Moriarti at 05:04 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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